Secured Hops

You may or may not have heard that hops are pretty hard to come by these days. When you do find them, they’re very expensive.

I’ve covered all this before so I won’t bore you with more sad stories of the little brewing company trying to scrape together hop cones to eek out one more brew.

This post is quite the opposite. I come with tales of hearty hop coiffeurs and robust times. We plunked down some cash and purchased enough hops to keep our little brewery pumping out hearty beers for a good while (once we’re brewing under our roof, that is). We already own all the hops we need to brew our Lager for some time; our larger concern was the new Over Ale and subsequent brews once we’re churning out beers in the city. We’ve been badgering all the appropriate channels to cough up some hops. They coughed. Thanks to all who coughed.

This firms up a lot of stuff for us. It insures that we can go to the drawing board with ample supplies of great hops to make the beers we want to, and not what we have to. Like Scrooge Mcduck and his coins, I would like to jump into a pool of our hops and bathe in the wealth. Also like Scrooge McDuck, we’re protecting them at all costs.

Right now our hops are in an underground storage center that was built for this very reason. It’s a modest bunker outfitted with the latest in surveillance and security measures. Its entrance is a non-descript building, a seemingly average space that could house any number of basic businesses. There’s a reception desk where you’ll find a woman who we’ll call “Lynda.” She handles any misguided traffic that happens to wander in by error or curiosity. Should for any reason Lynda feel threatened, or more so, feel that the hops are threatened, she trips a multi-level defense system that’s designed to torture, humiliate, terrify and deter any intruder that may or may not be interested in stealing our hops. At a moments notice a highly orchestrated series of events that involve rabid children, trained Otters with poisonous sea urchins glued to their bodies, unbearably loud music, both complete darkness and extreme light, tattooing, foreign languages and shaving, go into effect. So, be on notice.

We can’t wait to begin work with these hops, and we’ve taken every precaution to insure that you’re able to drink the fruits of our labor.

Gabriel
Half Acre Beer Co
Chicago, IL