Friday, April 18, 2008

Earthquakes & Toilet Seats

I have to say that things seem to get more and more strange all the time. Last night I woke up because things on the bookshelf were rattling. I assumed that it was my dog creating a ruckus of some kind, so I yelled at him to chill out and did my best to get back to sleep. However, my father called this morning to tell me that it was an earthquake. Just for the record, I live in Chicago. Chicago is not a place that has earthquakes or most weather phenomenon for that matter. The winter sucks here, that’s for sure, but as far the whole natural destruction of life thing goes, Chicago is pretty user friendly. Granted, this earthquake didn’t take lives or do much other than wake people from slumber, but still. If Chicago flips some sort of core switch that allows for new types of natural disaster to be placed on top of the already shitty winters – I’m out of here.

Read about it

In other not so new news, but equally strange, a woman in Kansas was recently taken to the hospital after her boyfriend informed authorities that she’d been on his toilet for the last two years, and that her body had grown around the toilet seat. This one is bizarre on so many levels I’m not sure where to start. 1. What was his cause for alarm? Was he concerned because the seat had finally become rooter in her body or did his personal time evaluator finally go off telling him that more than two years on the toilet was just too much? 2. What the hell was this poor woman doing for two years on the toilet? I think we all have a special place in out hearts reserved for quiet time on the toilet, but two years! Maybe she had some sort of Sudoku fetish or something that kept her so engrossed that she toiled away until falling asleep, then woke and kept on rolling, for two years. 3. Food. I assume that her caring boyfriend brought her meals cooked with love, but he had to leave the house at times. She must have created a bathroom pantry accessible from her perch so that she could gobble up snacks when the mood hit, which I’m guessing was often. They didn’t include her body weight in the
article I read, but I think we can assume she’s in the higher percentile. 4. What about the rest of the world. Did she not have a single friend or family member that would have asked “Hey, why haven’t I seen you in two years?” Didn’t this boyfriend have some buddies that might have asked why he never brought his girlfriend around to hang out?

It’s hard to imagine that these things are happening relatively close to you to people that are relatively like you. When you go home and take some time to sit on the toilet take a second to think what that would be like for the next two years, with earthquakes rattling earth around you.

Half Acre Beer Co
Chicago, IL

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